Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

im so afraid of losing my parents that I nelgect & avoid them. Sometimes I am really mean to them. I do it to protect myself but it makes me feel like a horrible person & the thought that one day I will regret my actions soo much & yet I still keep treating them the same way makes me feel like I am not worthly of this life. I suffered with depression my entire life & while I am doing much better, things like that still make me feel like I dont deserve to live. I often wonder if I will become suicidal again..

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Tuesday, March 30th, 2010

What Phil said on Sunday is so true to me. At one point I was ready to give up on my life entirely, but as my therapist forced me to go back into my childhood, I remembered that screaming desire I once had to know god. I never thought I would or could believe in god but I wanted so badly to believe in something that would save me from taking my own life. As much as my mind told me that god is impossible, I held onto the little bit of hope I did have & I did everything I could to increase it. I started coming to the project where I fell in love with Christian music. I read self-help books that discussed lessons from the bible & even studied other religions to find what truly spoke to me. The more I read, listen & learn, the more my faith grows. I still can’t say for sure if I believe in god because I don’t completely understand & I still have a lot of exploring & growing to do. But I can say that the more I hold onto the faith that I do have in god, the more I see god in my life & the more I believe in him. Sometimes during worship I cry & when I listen to Christian music I can literally feel my heart opening to god. I can’t wait to see what tremendous assurance that holding onto this growing faith will bring. There has to be a reason for that little seed of hope & wonder that was planted inside of me. But what I really dont understand is how will I know when I do believe in god? And why do I think I have to say that I dont believe in god at all unless I believe 100%? Will I ever believe 100%?? How do you know that your Christian?

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Monday, March 29th, 2010

Friends are more important than money. I understand that statement, but still wondered why I was always so broke all the time, that I can never get ahead financially. But all of a sudden it dawned on me last night, although I may not have much money, I am so wealthy in my friendships. I am able to completely look at that statement completely different. Maybe God didn’t intend for me to make millions, or even thousands, but I have the most amazing friends in the world and God continually puts new people in my life, more recently a lot of Christian friends! When I look ahead, maybe this is too far ahead, but when i die, i know that i will have the most valuable thing buried with me and that’s the relationships i hold in my heart, not the car in my garage.

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Monday, March 29th, 2010

Some times I feel so close to God but i forget him so qickly. I don’t know what to do to stay consistently in love w God. I don’t know how to get close to him again. When I read my bible i don’t know how to apply it and I don’t feel sincere when I pray… But I want to

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Sunday, March 28th, 2010

I just moved here, and have experienced some personal demons. I have a tough time with some people in my life that make me not even want to get out of bed in the mrning because id ont feel that i deserve it. I am stuck.

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Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

I have stopped going to church because I feel so alone after going.

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Sunday, March 14th, 2010

im beginning to think ill never find a boyfriend. and its wearing on my faith. im almost ready to give up staying pure but i know ill if i do ill just end up regretting it. its so tempting though.

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Monday, March 8th, 2010

10 days before my wedding I broke up with my fiance. 6 months leading up to the wedding I had been wondering if I was making the right decision. He was my first love, and I thought he was my life. I started praying, asking God to give me a sign. I needed a burning bush sign…
And then someone from my past resurfaced. We had never dated, but at one time we were very close friends. All of a sudden he was there and I fell for him…hard. I cheated on my fiance. I broke up with him the next day. We had been attending marriage classes, so we went to the pastor to talk to him. I lied when the pastor asked if there had been any infidelity. I recently found out that my fiance had been cheating on me for the past 2 years. Is this the sign that God intended for me??
I am in a relationship with this new person, and I have so much love for him. The hurt and the guilt that I feel about my past relationship still feels so fresh. I want to move on with my new relationship, but I feel like I haven’t learned what God wanted me to learn from this situation. How do I move on??

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Saturday, March 6th, 2010

I made a wrong decision about what city I will live in next year due to career ambition instead of listening to my heart and God. I leave in two months and I’m so scared about it because I will be completely alone in a very competitive atmosphere. I’ve seen what competition does to me and I hate the loneliness and isolation of trying to be better and by doing that, cutting people out of my life. I noticed that I didn’t like myself this last year and tried to change but now I’ve put myself in a situation where I feel hopeless.

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Monday, March 1st, 2010

I hate myself for falling into easy temptations like porn or even just little things but i hate myself even more because i feel like i dont care enough i wish i was a better christian and sometimes i just dont know if i will be i feel like god can do something special with me but i am not good enough to find it or maybe i just am not meant to do anything for him and it bugs me that i might just be another christian not making a difference and kind of just going through the motions

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Saturday, February 27th, 2010

I have this job that so many people have told me that its meant to be.. that it was gods plan.. but why dont I agree? I mean, I dont hate it, I get to work with special need kids.. I get to try and make any difference I can.. but yet, my heart is somewhere else.. but where?? Im struggling.. I feel like I have lost so many people in my life who said they would always be there.. and now when i need them the most, they arent there.. sometimes I dont even know if god is..

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Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Ever since I was 12, I have had sexual feelings towards members of the same sex. All through junior high, high school and now into my adult life I have kept it secret, with the exception of my parents and some online people who I have never even met. I have never committed any sexual acts with anyone. I’ve managed to save myself for marriage up until this point. In my heart I know I want to go the right way–God’s way, and live out my life with someone of the opposite sex but these thoughts still plague me. I hate having them a part of my life and wish God could just take them away. I’ve gone through periods of self-hatred in my life because I don’t want this to be a part of me anymore, I want it to go away. I worry it may affect my relationship one day when I meet the person of my dreams. I cry out to God all the time to change me because I don’t want to think this way. I know it hurts His heart to see me like this. I’m involved as a volunteer in the church, and no one knows the pain I live with every day. When I walk through those doors I feel better in God’s presence, but I hate wondering what others would think if they knew I was bisexual. I don’t readily talk about this with anyone because I fear it may change the way they think of me, but sometimes I wish I could talk to someone my age about it. I want to live God’s way, the way He has intended for me, but I am struggling. I feel lost and alone.

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Thursday, February 18th, 2010

I’m so afraid I’m going in the wrong direction in life. That God doesn’t want me to be doing lead this life. I have an addiction to pornography as well and it’s drawing me further and further away from God but I feel like I can’t escape it.

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Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

I can’t stop watching porn, masturbating, and chatting with guys on webcams. I’m so bad. I don’t think God could EVER forgive me.

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Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

When I heard the song “Here in your Presence” , I couldnt help but get a little teary eyed.. because I have been blinded too long… and its time to take the blindfold off..

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Monday, February 15th, 2010

The world is crumbling around me.

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Sunday, February 14th, 2010

When a blissful relationship ends shortly before Valentines Day, February 14 becomes such a painful date to endure. I count down the hours until today ends.

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Saturday, February 13th, 2010

In my opinion, Valentines Day is just an excuse for guys to be nice to their wifes or girlfriends for one day.. and yet all the other days, they treat them like crap. Im sorry but a guy should treat their spouses with respect and show them love ALL the time..

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Saturday, February 13th, 2010

I’m so flippin sick of hearing how busy people are.
This world has taken up so much of our time that people are stressing out, friendships are breaking off because no one can keep them going, and it’s all we talk about.
How “busy” we are.
I’m sure God hates it just as much.

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Saturday, February 13th, 2010

I’ve been feeling like I’m invisible lately. It seems my life is mostly one way, that I have to go out of my way all the time to check up on friends, make plans, say hi randomly so often to keep the friendship going and I’m sick of it. It’s like I’m a loser. My brothers and sisters always have tons of people trying to get ahold of them, send them things in the mail, calling them. I get to hear about their busy so called lives and how “wanted” they are by so many people. They’re so popular and cool.
I’m a loser.
I try to make plans with people but I get shut down all the time. They’re always busy or complain they have no money yet I see on their “walls” that they are off with people or making plans. It really must just be me.
I sometimes think I should just get busy with everything so that it won’t bother me. Or they will start to want to hang out with me but I know that it wouldn’t make a difference.

I wonder if I died….would anyone even notice or care that I was gone?

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Friday, February 12th, 2010

i broke up with the one guy who treated me like gold because he wasn’t a christian and i was scared that would ruin things in the long run. everytime i see him i want to weap. it kills me. i still love him. i know as christians we are meant to be with other christians but is this how its supposed to be? me beating myself up everyday, seeing him so bitter to both me and god, wondering what could or would have been? did i ruin my chance of happiness…or even worse his chance with god?

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Friday, February 12th, 2010

last weekend i made out with a guy i had just met. i keep telling myself time after time that im gonna change my ways and be the woman of god he made me to be. and for a long time i had. but for some reason i keep slipping. i dont wanna be that girl anymore, im so sick of letting him, my friends, family and myself down. it needs to stop. now.

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Sunday, February 7th, 2010

Sometimes i wish i had the nerve to share who I am… maybe that way people would start actually caring…
I have thought about cutting alot lately… i think im too afraid to cut because someone may notice..

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Sunday, February 7th, 2010

I use to attend church most sundays and ever since I started going back to the project on sunday nights, things were going okay but then I left again.. Ive been there once in the past 4 months and I feel this emptiness… Its hard when im the only one in my family who is a christian, so i dont get too much support when it comes to my faith.. my mom is amazing though, shes somewhat of a christian but doesnt go to church anymore.. It makes me sad because i know she deserves so much more in life.. she deserves to be happy and be treated so good.. but in the relationship shes in, shes verbally abused all the time and it hurts.. I wonder sometimes if shes ever going to be happy… or even if im ever going to be happy…

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Friday, February 5th, 2010

i think my life is boring but i dont think there is much i can do to change that. i left ontario, a ton of amazing friends, my youth ministry amoung other things, packed up my car and road tripped to edmonton for a fresh start and all i do is work, go to church sunday nights and miss my friends at home. i want to be passionate.. i want these addictions to leave me once and for all. i want to be loved and wanted. i love to love others and make them feel wanted. stuck in a rut. talk to me!

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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

I’ve been a Christian all my life, but once I started living on my own for university, I stopped going to church – not because I didn’t want to, but because I was just so “busy”. Two years of thinking it’s okay, as long as I believe in Him, I don’t need to go to church.. plus two deep relationships had gone by. During that “short” time period, I lost my virginity. I knew it was wrong but didn’t feel it was wrong enough – all my friends were doing it. Even worse, I was never careful enough about protection. As time went by, my relationship with God grew weaker and weaker, until I was depending my whole life on some guy. I thought the second real boyfriend was perfect for me – he was even “Christian”. I even started to go to church sometimes with him. I thought my life was great, even with the constant up&down drama of the relationship. I thought I might even marry him one day. The one day, everything changed. I was pregnant. Everything shattered. Of course, with so much ambition and dreams, and goals that I’ve set, abortion was the only answer to me. Although he tried to delay his flight back home, it wasn’t long enough of a delay for him to be with me during the surgery. I had to wait a brutal 4 weeks before I could get it done, by myself, with my boyfriend out of the country in a completely different time zone. I could not even think about telling my parents – I could not hurt them like that. It was the first time in my life where I felt so, so, so alone.. every single day was full of tears – all alone. I cried out desperately to the Lord. How could he let this happen to me? I knew I had sinned, but couldn’t he just forgive me? It was as if He was punishing me. 3 months of being apart from my boyfriend at the time.. I don’t know how many times a day I thought of suicide. I felt like such a failure, such a disappointment, and God didn’t even love me anymore. When I went to visit my boyfriend in his home country after those months, I thought that everything would fall back in place, but no, things were different. He had changed, and it just wasn’t going to work. I was terrified. How could he do this to me? After what I had had to go through – by myself, while he was partying with his friends? How could someone, who claimed to be a Christian and always wanted to show this, do this to me? I remember falling asleep in tears and prayers, waking up in tears and prayers, and spending the whole day just constantly crying. I knew that God had planned everything for a purpose.. but I just couldn’t understand at the time. Months of praying and searching, I finally realize that it was His way of grabbing onto me before I was really gone. Because of what happened, I reached out to the Lord, desperately, and now, my life revolves around Him, NOT some guy. I’ve learnt my lessons and now, I am happy single and plan to stay single for a while. And never again will I have sex before marraige. It’s been 8 and a half months since the abortion. Even until a few weeks ago, I would think about it daily, having this internal conflict – “I gave up my child’s life.. I need to work twice as hard and live a better life, for this child…. No, that’s selfish. That’s just an excuse. You gave up the child for your own dreams” It would just go on and on. And I could not bear to run into my ex who goes to the same school. I hated him so much.. I didnt know how I could ever forgive him. Even after more than half a year, I had such anger inside me, and such guilt – as if I was living a lie. Although I had become closer to God, and I was thankful for that, I was always constantly depressed. So all I did was just pray and pray.. for months and months.. and then just last week, the service was about “Forgive and Forget” and it was very hard for me to contain myself. I actually felt forgived, and that it was okay. Even better, my anger towards my ex just vanished, just like that. I was so happy and I thank God everyday. Although it still feels weird to have to run into my ex (since we don’t talk or even say hi) and I still get down sometimes about what has happened or when I think about if I had kept the child, I would probably be giving birth pretty soon.. whenever I feel down, I immediately talk to God and my relationship with Him is just growing stronger every day. And I don’t think there’s anything better than that.

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Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

I feel so empty. I don’t know what it is. I’ve been a Christian since as long as I can remember, I love the Lord with all of my heart, yet something is incomplete in me. I moved to Alberta in the summer for school, and this has been great, but something is lacking. I’ve been going to church semi-regularly, but I don’t know what to do. It’s like i’m always depressed. My best friend at home was a Christian, and we still talk, but it’s not the same with me so far away. I have no close friends, and none that i know to be Christians. I feel like a walking, empty shell. I so desperately need Christ to come fill me up again. I need the zeal to return. I need something to live for.

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Monday, February 1st, 2010

Ive waited for my boyfriend to want to come to church for so long, to share that amazing feeling that I try and describe to him all the time and to share that part of my life that consumes my entire being. I knew it was something that I couldnt push because for some who don’t know that feeling its a sensitive subject. So I waited…and waited…aaaand waited..Finally one day, he said yes!. We are now on our 8th week of our jouney, and he is the one who can’t stop talking about how excited he is. Its been incredible and I feel so blessed that God finally has a big part in our relationship. He is that concrete foundation that I was waiting for to form. I can’t wait to see what the big guy upstairs has in store for us next!
-Alicia

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Saturday, January 30th, 2010

There’s so much stuff that I need to work on to become that person in Christ that I aspire to be. Like that person that you see speaking or singing in church or that missionary who just seems to be so into God. I’m not saying that I’m absolutely terrible or atleast I don’t think I am. But I’m so far away from where I think I should be. I’m the opposite of what you’d think a kid being taken to church all their life should be. I don’t get myself into trouble mind you, ie: don’t drink, never had sex; but I’ve maybe read the New Testament once and I’m in my early twenties and my parents have taken me to church since I was a kid. That’s just not right. There’s so much that I should know about the scripture other than the vague ‘I kinda remember that bible story’ type thing. I want to totally be where I should be, but by the time Tuesday or Wendsday rolls around I’m back to square 1 and totally not in Christian mode-and it makes me wonder if I’ll actually get to heaven or not or if I’ll be one of those people that goes to the pearly white gates and gets told “Sorry, your name isn’t on my list” and I get sent to the fire. That’s not what I want.

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Thursday, January 28th, 2010

I love Jesus, he has blessed me with so many gifts, he has spared my life, given me the best friend anyone could ask for and given me the courage to do the right things. I want to confess my love for Jesus

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Monday, January 25th, 2010

Church makes me nervous almost every week because I am kind of an outcast. People talk to me on Facebook and stuff like that and we’re all cool with each other, but then as soon as it gets to church nobody talks to me even when I say hi first, and I just end up alone again. I know it’s about God, but sometimes I wish that there was ONE place in my life where I didn’t feel like a social outcast.

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Sunday, January 24th, 2010

I like my non-christian friends WAY better then I like most of my christian friends. I know that my christian friends should be my closest friends, I mean, I have known them since sunday school, but whenever I need some one to lean on, they’re never there. I can go a month with out going to church and they don’t even notice, but when I miss one day of school my non-christian friends are texting me and asking where I was and if everything is okay. I find it quite ironic that some of the people who claim to be so tight with God are so self centered and heartless while others who don’t even belief God exists can be so caring and genuine.

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Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Today I made a huge mistake and went too far with a guy. The funny part is that we have never met, and this was all on a webcam. I feel so terrible and I never want to speak to him again because every time I do I end up moving further and further away from what I know is right. I’m blocking him tonight.

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Thursday, January 21st, 2010

I put my life on the Christmas tree. Something inside of me encouraged me to. Plus, I wanted to and so I did. But I’ve broken that promise and I really do feel awful, but I cannot stop wanting sex and following through with it. I thought I could. Now I feel like I’ve failed Him.

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Monday, January 18th, 2010

I am a Christian and attend the Project and NONE of my friends know this

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Sunday, January 17th, 2010

It brings so much comfort to me to read other’s confessions and hear that they are so much like mine. Although I only wish I could help them and forget about my own.

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Sunday, January 17th, 2010

The bible says not to be associated with people who gossip, are sexually impure, slander, etc and I know I’m one of those people. Realizing that, I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be one of those people. I can’t be! That’s not me! I’m never like this yet I’ve let myself become something so ugly and broken.I wear a mask and only one or two people know but they don’t know how to help me.

I’m so desperate to break free and cut this sinful act and desire off but I’m stuck and I don’t know how to get out. I’m addicted yet whenever I mess up I instantly know it’s wrong. I know going into it I can easily say no and walk away but I let myself walk into the “badlands.” I instantly walk out of God’s protection, lose all his peace and I’m then stuck with fear, panic, anxiety that I will eventually lose my boyfriend, get sick and die or go to hell. I’m trapped.

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Friday, January 15th, 2010

I want so hard to believe god will come through but sometimes i feel like im lying to myself when i say that.. i feel i have no passion for life anymore. yet, i tell myself that its a new year and its time to change.. i know god has something better for me out there and i think he is trying to show me that..
today i had a conversation with a friend of mine about something i havent been comfortable talking about with anyone else.. it was nice to vent and nice to know that she feels the same way..
when my so called best friend at the time supposedly died, i was devastated.. i even left edmonton because i couldnt handle it.. when i found out it was all a lie.. the cancer, the death, the other family.. i was so angry.. I still think about it to this day.. and honestly i am trying to leave it all behind but i cant seem too.. so many times i would have people telling me to forgive.. and people telling me i cant stop trusting people because of one person but i look at the so called friends who stood by me back then and dont see them standing by me anymore..
Ive been lucky to not see her since it all happened because im usually not this kind of person but i want her to suffer… i want her to go through that pain that i went through as well as so many other people… I hate her…

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Thursday, January 7th, 2010

I have suffered from an eating disorder for 10 years. last year i left the province and all the people i thought i loved for months to get help in a treatment center. I say i thought i loved them because no matter what…i didn’t care about anyone or anything but myself and my eating and non eating.
i have break downs all the time because i want this to be over and to be able to enjoy life like a normal person and not be obsessed and controlled by this disease that started out so innocent and ended up almost taking my life but more importantly ruining it. none of my relationships will ever be the same since no one trusts me or my decisions.
I suppose 10 years doesn’t disappear in 1 year. recovery is such a process and it’s terrifying.
I’m afraid that i’ve damaged my body so much that i will suffer later on in life, however, at the time all that matters is that i am in control and will do anything to feel that way (which is a complete lie).
the worst part is that before i went to treatment i knew what i was doing was bad, and since being in treatment i KNOW how bad and all the damage i’ve done but i still continue to struggle everyday. it is difficult to have a disease that no one understands, that everyone believes is just about wanting to be thin, don’t get me wrong i absolutely strive to be so thin as to disappear, however it’s so much more than that.

Sometimes it feels easier to stay in it because it’s familiar and there is nothing unexpected. I know i need to work hard and get through this. it’s not easy. i hate it. i feel bad that my friends and family have put so much into me and my recovery and i keep failing them.

when i see other postings of eating disorders it makes me cry. i never want anyone to go through this. I also know you can’t get help until you’re ready…it won’t work otherwise.

i hate that i’m trying to go to school but i can’t concentrate on anything but what i look like and how much i’ve eaten throughout the day.

thank you for letting me vent.

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Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

I ache, I yearn. I know I have a purpose. I know God created me to be an instrument for some sole purpose. I know that I will complete this task and fade into obscurity. I am comfortable with that. I am lonely, I wish to find her to hold my hand when I am scared, to whisper words of encouragement when I falter. I pray that this cup passes over me so that I can live a ‘normal life’. I tried that, I wandered away, I turned my back on my father and did my own thing. I felt the emptiness without God. However even with my path wandering, to and fro aimlessly, I feel God with me, and yet still an emptiness.

In the past when I shared this empty feeling with people I was told, “that is the hole that you need God to fill”. I prayed harder, I cried out louder. I even shouted out as loud as I could. I never could fill the void, The piece did not fit. The empty space is not inside me, the space is like a shoulder that someone has been holding onto, cuddling, and then they are gone. A coldness, a space unfilled. I have found love once, it was beautiful, it was short, but It gave me a hope. She is gone and I have moved on, but yet I know now what Is missing.

I am too afraid to go after God with all of my passion again, The fire inside of me consumed me, and left me with nothing. No emotions, no friends, no will, no desire. I was a husk, empty and alone. I came back, Now I am a husk with God, but still at many times empty, many times alone. I did not put my life on the christmas tree, God told me too, I told him no. I am not ready to fully commit myself to him, but what if that is the answer? what if Committing to God fully will find me the partner that will help me complete this task for God? what if committing fully and without any reservation will solve it? I cannot honestly do this, I cannot give up my reservations. I have been here before, I can say it, and I may wish for it, and yearn to do so. I simply do not know HOW to let go, I never learned this skill.

I do not know how to do a great many things, How do I get someone to respect my authority as a Supervisory roll without being to harsh? How do I establish guidelines? How do I find my inspiration? what is passion? what is MY passion? Why do I still feel numb, why was I built with the ability to turn off my emotions with a switch?

I pray, I pray right now, and continually. God, father, where am I going? what am I doing? Who am I? Why am I still so sore and alone? If I am to suffer for you then tell me, If I am to find an end to my loneliness then Guide me. Command me so that I may go, speak to me as you would speak to a child, but guide me like you would guide an ass. I need you.

Reach out to me, Give me a light in the sky that burns, A vivid vision that shows me the way. Stop allowing me to be tempted by visions and shadows of dreams.

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Sunday, December 27th, 2009

I lust for the same sex…

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Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Last night I was talking to a friend about my experience with God. She has never known much about God and asked me about it. I told her some basic stuff, and directed her to biblegateway.com so she could read the bible until she can buy one. I shared with her my favourite bible verse (john 16:20-24) and she was so amazed by the Love God has for us and wants to know more and more. I feel like God is using me to turn her heart to Him, and I have never felt more happy to listen to His voice. Before last night, I thought I was hopeless to helping others, and kept my relationship with Christ to myself. Now I know the change that sharing Him can do. Praise Jesus.

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Thursday, December 24th, 2009

I miss that connection I use to have with god.. now its nothing but an empty space.

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Monday, December 21st, 2009

I just had sex with my ex-boyfriend. I am so upset, I feel dirty and knew it was a bad idea. I wanted to wait again until I was married to share those special moments with someone who ACTUALLY loves me. I feel so helpless. I want Mr. Right to find me.

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Sunday, December 20th, 2009

My boyfriend is struggling with depression and some serious mental illness. He only recently told me everything he is struggling with and finally admitted he needs help. It happened to be around the same time that i realized i need to be single and let God work in my life. I love him and care for him, but i just broke his heart because of what i felt God calling me to do. He needs me more than ever right now but i cant be with him. I feel like a terrible person. Im so worried for him and im having a hard time trusting God that its all in His hands…

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Friday, December 11th, 2009

Sometimes i feel like i am doubting god and his exsistence i’ve been a christian a long time and the thought of my faith slipping away from me is something that terrifies me…i dont know how to get re connected with god and i want to try more than anything but i’m afraid of the what if factor like what if i can’t…

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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

I keep telling little white lies to cover up my eating disorder. I just want to stop.

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Monday, December 7th, 2009

I sometimes feel I love the world and not God, I can’t lie to God.

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Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Half my family has stopped going to church. Their actions and words have changed cosmically and I feel responsible for not knowing what to do.

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Sunday, December 6th, 2009

So its been about a month I think now and I do really miss the Project. Its not that I dont want to be there, because I do.. but I have no motivation anymore for the long bus ride there and back which I guess is understandable. But the project brought life back to my soul most nights.. and theres no life left. I talk to god alot, well I try to anyways but sometimes Its like talking to a wall.. Its not always like that but lately it has been. Im stressed to my max right now and im truly trying to believe god will come through especially with finances.. Im trying not to worry about whats going to happen if I dont come up with the money to pay these bills off.. Im tired of having to worry about money.. and im tired of stressing out. Im also pretty distant with my friends lately.. like I dont want to hang out with anyone, I just want to isolate myself. It scares me to be honest..

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Saturday, December 5th, 2009

Hey Phil…I love the work that you are doing at the Project…I think this confession board is a great thing….I moved to Edmonton 2 yrs ago to hopefully get away from the crazy life i was living and to draw closer to God…or so I thought…I got saved just before my 18th birthday and i was really on fire for God…as i entered college i was really attracted to a girl but her heart was with another person who was maltreating her…so I thought i could be the knight and shining armour type man and help her out of the relationship…so i started bringing her to church and lead her to the Lord but then one night she didnt show up to an evening service….so i finished the service and then i went looking for her…i knew in my heart that she was with the other dude and i was so hurt….i was angry at my mother and at God…i didnt care what was going to happen next…i met up with her that night and she felt like crap for hurting me and i was furious because i was crazy about her and she had cheated on me….so in anger i manipulated her to become sexual with me…so we did because i thought perhaps she would stay with me because…it didnt happen that way at first and she kept running back to the other guy and i was losing myself…we both went to our pastor and told him the situation because i thought that would of been the best thing…so eventually we became sexually active with one another and i got what i wanted…she was loyal to me….we would go to church and have sex…because i was in the church i felt so guilty….and so did she…we continued and then i got bored….i felt that she wasnt fulfilling me sexually and i broke up with her to be with another girl who i thought was more interesting….i was not satisfied with her either….so i got back with my ex who was trying to serve God…we continued our sexual behaviours while going to church….we would just hide our lifestyle from everyone and i got bored again….so this type the break up was more painful for her and she tried to attack me….from that point i never wanted to get involved with a girl to that magnitude where i would hurt them that bad…so after the bad break up…i started searching for love online….i had no standards and would have sex with these woman even if i wasnt attracted to them…i was also in debt at the time and was desperate to get out…a friend introduced me to an older bisexual man who wanted to pay me money to watch me masturbate…i was really hesistant at first but as he made the price attractive…i decided to give him what he wanted and i would visit him several times and perform this act with him…he was very cunning….eventually he became bored of me and so i would have to perform more to get the same type of payment from him….i wasnt able to bring myself to that so the encounters stopped but we remained friends….so i was going from relationship to relationship hoping to be sexually fulfilled…it then went from encounter to encounter….all the while keeping a foot inside the church because as horrible as i was….i never doubted the existance of Jesus…but my life was a mess….i finally met that girl who was sexually satisfying…the chemistry was what i imagined it to be….she wanted to experiment and try new things…i couldnt ask for anything more….so we lasted for maybe 8 months….she broke up with me and i didnt show it but i was hurt….i really liked her….so when she broke up with me i finally invited her to church and she enjoyed herself but their was no hope for us to get back together…she was bored or me and interested in someone else…i needed to feel that chemistry again so i met another girl online and we had unprotected sex….she had convinced me she couldnt get pregnant so i wasnt worried and 2 other times i got a girl pregnant they went and had an abortion….but not this one….she got pregnant and told me she was keeping the baby…i was devastasted…i felt my life was coming to an end….for some sick reason i tried to run back to church and felt that i can pray this situation away…i made promises i knew i wasnt going to keep with God….so she didnt have the abortion and we stayed with each other and continued to have sex until we couldnt stand each other….so during the time she was pregnant i was trying to find myself and i was experimenting with marijuana and extcee….i was drinking alot more with my bisexual friend….partying more….just trying to figure out what i was going to do….in the past i have bounced around from job to job but leading up to the birth of my son, i actually took a job and stayed with it….i was really proud of myself….the relationship was horrible with my sons mother and I….i did go with her to find out the sex of the baby but after that we just avoided each other…i didnt wanna tell my mom but i told me lil brother that i was going to be a dad….there was an incident that i was going to an afterhours club and i was going to take extcee to make my night more interesting…the friend/dealer gave me speed and i freaked out…thank God i am still alive from that night…so i dont experiment with drugs anymore for the most part…so back the the baby on the way….i told my brother what was happening and just before my son was born….actually just days before he was born i told my mother….it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do because my rebellious living was separating us…she told me it was ok and to go and be a good father to him….so when my son was born my sons mother called me to tell me the news because i wasnt present for his birth….i immediately went to see him and became to proud to be a dad…i pleaded for forgiveness from my sons mother and she forgave me….everything was good again….i had a new lease on life…we tried to be friends while being parents to my son and as i was spending more time with her and my son….i thought it would be a good idea for my son to have his parents together…so we tried to make it work and i got back with her….it wasnt too long that the idea became a horrible idea…our differences caused us to seperate and she became very resentful and i became very defensive towards her…we broke up and she wanted full custody of my son and everyone told me to fight her so i did we battled in court for over a year….i continued to have a relationship with my son and she continued to be angry at me because i broke up with her….she once again became mad because i pushed for an abortion during the time she was pregnant….there was nothing i can say or do to make things better…i tried to be the better man and use my christian principles….i humbled myself….turned the other cheek….tried to be overly nice….show more interest in my son and his life…nothing worked…i became a workaholic and money driven because i couldnt deal with the stress and work was my escape….i will admit i wasnt the best to her before my son was born and after he was born….maybe i could of been more supportive and when i was ready to show support the damage was already done….i tried a few relationships after but i noticed that i had a hard time opening up to woman….being honest…i wouldnt admit to woman that i had a son and i would end it before it got to that point because i knew what woman would think….they would try to relate to her and take her side…i would once again involve myself in meaningless relationships or keep to myself,,,,or go on chatlines and masturbate with other woman around the world…that was my life…i became so socially disconnected but no one really knew…i can fake it when i am around people…i am pretty smart in that sense….so after going from girl to girl and the custody battle….i knew i had to get away so i moved here to Edmonton hopefully to find a new sense of direction since edmonton was the land of opportunity and i knew that alberta was the bible belt of canada…i somewhat calmed down when i moved here…i didnt jump in with the first girl i met….i tried to stick with the plan and find a community of people that i wanted to be around….it wasnt long after i was getting bored and lonely so i went back online and found a christian girl in vancouver and we hit it off really good…it was only a matter of time before our conversations became explicit and sexually laced…i guess i was getting the best of both worlds…she was a christian and she was a closet freak….just how i like them….the YC conference was coming up so i flew her out here and instead of going to the conference we ended up having sex in the hotel the entire weekend..oh and sunday we went to church and then went back to have more sex till it was time for her to fly back to BC…we would conversate but it was usually sexually laced and our way of keeping in contact would be sending erotic videos and pics of each other…i went to vancouver to visit her and we had sex the entire time….i was happy…this was what i wanted…there would be times when i would crave deeper conversations and intimate conversations about God….and we would never go their….it always stayed sexual and i started to back away….i was the one paying the bill to fly there or her to fly here and i felt that she wasnt pulling her weight…..so we started to drift away when i started working out of town in the oil sands…i really enjoyed the type of relationship that i shared with her because lets face it….i am sexually active and i am a deep rooted christian so i wanted it like that….so drift away because of the distance and i meet a local edmonton woman….after months of just talking….we meet the first night and have sex….she becomes my girlfriend….she wasnt initially a practicing christian but wasnt afraid to be somewhat open about what i believe in because i knew i can and find another girl just like that if she wasnt interested…so she tried her best to keep up….but it didnt work out….we broke up this past summer…after almost 2 yrs…we lived together and it drove me crazy…i also have a porn addiction and i told her about it so that i can get support…but it would hurt her everytime she found out….i felt that i wasnt free and i was chatting with other woman online who wanted to sleep with me….so i felt stuck…i broke up with her…slept with another girl….got back with my ex but desired to be with other woman and to be in polygamous relationships so i broke up with her again….so here i am today….a mess….hurt…broken…sexually dysfunctional….

Thanks for giving me the forum to confess my dysfunctional life…as we speak i feel that the pieces are being put back together but there is alot of work to be done

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Monday, November 30th, 2009

I want to help him and talk to him but know that in our relationship, GOD needs to be number one. I only pray that they can find that brotherly relationship again and I know it won’t be for a long time. I feel like they think that I am the issue in all of this … but Im not. I could try and tell him how *he feels, but I also know I will never be heard the way I intend to communicate. In that sense … I do feel inadquate when it comes to dealing with people. His brother seems to think that I’m a good liar but it seems to be like that because I live this Jesus based life as honestly as possible and to a non-Christian … that would make me *different. I love you Jesus and I’m praying for my husband and all of our family.

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Sunday, November 29th, 2009

i love to give actually like seriously love it encouragement, gifts whatever, but what happens when im the one who needs it, the one who needs someone to think of me and it seems like there is no one even looking my way to see if im ok? I am usually good, but once in a while my past of loneliness and suicidal thoguhts overwhelm me enough it seems to make me want to give up. Why wont anyone notice me and the need i have once in a blue moon.

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Sunday, November 29th, 2009

I don’t read my bible very often because it’s boring. I love it when it’s being read TO me but I just can’t bring myself to do it on my own.

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Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Im so emotional and at times, I have no idea why. This is my third week in a row not going to church sunday night.. and I dont miss it

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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

I keep being lustful. How can i be in a good relationship if i don’t fix this in myself first?

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Friday, November 20th, 2009

I’m terrified for the rapture because I know that my family won’t be coming with me to heaven. I get so scared because I want nothing more than to be with my family in heaven, and I don’t want them to suffer. They’re good people, and believe in God…They’re just lost.

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Friday, November 20th, 2009

When my mom died I was mad at God, except that I still came to church EVERY Sunday night. I didn’t understand how He could take someone so special to me away so soon. She won’t be at my university graduation, my wedding, and she won’t get to meet her grandchildren. Sometimes I still get upset, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll see her again someday, maybe not soon but someday, and I’ve forgiven God and continue to come to church every Sunday.

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Thursday, November 19th, 2009

I have the knowledge that God loves me however in my life feel that the love that has been shown to me has come with strings attached. I sometimes question God’s love. How do I know what it is, how can I trust that it is unconditional?

I don’t really understand God’s love.

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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Thank you Phil.

I never thought I’d hear the confession about my baby read aloud. Frankly, my body sank when I heard it and I felt ill to my stomach. Yet after listening to you speak about how God still loves me, no matter what I have done in the past, a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Everything you addressed hit home and gave me the sense of Peace I needed to hear.

For that I am eternally grateful.

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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

How do you get rid of the things that just keep coming back

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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

me and my CHRISTIAN girlfriend continue to have sex… we know its wrong. but we cant stop!

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Monday, November 16th, 2009

Last night, the moment that Phil erased my words on the white board, my life changed FOREVER. I am finally free.

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Monday, November 16th, 2009

Phil,
Tonight you read my confession about how frustrating life is sometimes and how I feel like I cant do anything right… Thank you… To have a feeling of it being acknowledged was great and to look around knowing I am not the only one feeling this way.
Thank you for your message of God’s Love tonight, it made me emotional and just re instilled that God loves me no matter. Thanks

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Saturday, November 14th, 2009

I need help and I just wish God would help answer my prayers or steer me in the right direction in a more obvious way. I pray for something good to come into my life.

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Saturday, November 14th, 2009

I wish I could turn back time.. so that I could have been more prepared for the present.

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Friday, November 13th, 2009

I feel right now in my life God is really pulling me towards him. I will follow. Even though my best christian friend and I are no longer friends. I feel its for the better. I want to ask why, but know I can not answer that question. I hear God calling me now stronger than before and I want to follow and I know God will show me the friends I need to keep pursuing Him.

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Thursday, November 12th, 2009

I didnt go to church on sunday night but thats not the problem… the problem is I didnt care that much that I didnt go. Its the thing that brings life to my soul.. what happeneD?

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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

I love God but I am afraid to give my life to him. Sure I go to church most Sundays, but I know there is so much more I could be doing.

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Wednesday, November 11th, 2009

I don’t pray as much as I should, and I don’t turn to God when problems begin. I only feel God when I’m in church, and I can’t even express my true love for him when I’m in church because I get too self conscious around my friends that I bring with me. They don’t understand how much I really need to lift my hands to him and surrender. So I stopped. Self Consciousness, of all things, is bringing me further away from God. I need Him back.

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Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Why can’t he just like me? Why was I pretending to be someone I wasn’t in order to please him? I think that’s what scared him off. I made it seem like we were so much alike, when really we aren’t. Now I don’t think I will ever have a chance because I don’t think he’ll see passed those first impressions. I wonder if he even thinks of me. I wish he would just say something to tell me he thinks about me too.

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Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

During my emotional days, i find myself thinking about him even to this day… wishing he was real and was out there somewhere thinking of me too Why Do I still have him on my heart? Maybe because I fell hard for him.. so hard.

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Monday, November 9th, 2009

I know im beautiful in gods eyes but I dont believe im beautiful in my own eyes. Sometimes it really lowers my self image and confidence.

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Monday, November 9th, 2009

I have lost all hopes in reaching indoctrinated “christians” who believe they aren’t absolutely perfect in their flaws. Jesus walked with prostitutes and beggers. Remember that.

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Sunday, November 8th, 2009

I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life, because everytime I want to be close to someone, I have to leave, will anyone wait for me.

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009

Why does God keep sending me the unwanted message that I am beautiful!

I don’t want to be!!!!

Why is God so persistant!! sometimes I wish he wasn’t!

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009

I am a loser

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Friday, November 6th, 2009

I want to hope the shift is happening now.
That this is the rainbow I’ve been waiting for after the storm.
But I’m so scared to let myself hope because I don’t want to be wrecked all over again.

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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

I love god with all my heart.. and I will do everything to push through and fall in love with him all over again.

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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

I’ve been going to church my whole life and had a great relationship with God, but after my grandad died my relationship with God was put on hold. My Grandad wasn’t a believer, and I was angry that God might have sent him to hell. Now I want God back, and I don’t know how to make it happen…

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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

My fiancee left me and I still feel so angry about it. I am trying to move on… but the anger continues to take a hold on me. I want to be free from these feelings and forgive like christ has forgiven me but feel that if I let go…then it will make me feel like what we had and what I invested in him was never really real or meaningful.

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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

Im so in over my head with debt…

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Im ready to leave it all behind and start fresh on my walk with god.. No matter what comes my way, I will be strong and keep moving on. Today is the start of a new day! Today is the day I BELIEVE and take a step out of my comfort zone.

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009

I started going to this church to impress a guy. Now I’m so into Christ that I go every Sunday night, always look forward to service each week, and it’s the one day of the week that I know I never want to miss. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so obligated to sit next to him.

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009

All along, I was the one with the hardened heart. Every time I walked into that church, Its like I made a decision to not push through.. to not let god without even really knowing it. Tonight had opened my eyes, I need to soften my heart and actually step out of my comfort zone and do something.

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009

I thought that everybody who went to this church was perfect.

I felt like such an outcast.
I kind of feel relieved to see that I’m not the only one with issues.

I’ve been to a psychiatric ward because I tried to kill myself. Apparently over-dosing on anti-depressants can’t kill you, just make you sick.

I’ve been sent to the hospital because of laced weed.

I think that God is going to spite me because of sexual impurity, and kill my fiance in Afghanistan.

And most of all… I think I’m going to hell.

Thanks guys.. I know I’m not the only one with a confession.

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Saturday, October 31st, 2009

So today my brother told me that he lost all respect for me because I go to church and I believe in god.. and apparently he resigns from being anything but blood related. Nice brother eh.. I tell myself I dont care what he thinks or how he feels but apart of me is hurting.

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Saturday, October 31st, 2009

For the past while, I have been struggling and have fallen away from god.. I say today though that I want to change that, I want to be close to god again and believe with all my heart that he loves me.. Where do I even begin? I want to break down the wall that I have built inside the past 10 years.. the one that holds me back..

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Friday, October 30th, 2009

…and I really hope Phil speaks about this abortion topic, but I’m scared in case I hear that I have failed as a Christian.

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Friday, October 30th, 2009

My baby would have been 4 years old by now.

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Thursday, October 29th, 2009

I’m terrified for what God has planned for me

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Thursday, October 29th, 2009

Im not desperate for a relationship BUT there are times that I wish a man would say “I love you” and actually mean it.

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Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

I’m not suicidal. I would never purposefully hurt myself. But sometimes I wish I would be in a head on collision just to end the loneliness.

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Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

I have fantasized about a man who isn’t my husband.

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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

“I will admit that all these confessions about cutting were from one person.. me. Not proud of it”
“You’re not the only one, sweetheart. You can do it. Trust me on this. (I used to do it). You’re going to be okay. I promise.”
Thank you for that hope, its truly appreciated.
Last night was something that I needed to hear, and Im glad Phil had encouraged me to go. I need you lord, im crying out to you..

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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

“I will admit that all these confessions about cutting were from one person.. me. Not proud of it”

You’re not the only one, sweetheart. You can do it. Trust me on this. (I used to do it). You’re going to be okay. I promise.

Last night changed my life forever. I nearly cried when I lit my candle, because my life has started over, and I’m ready to do it. Finally. I’m so ready. Everything about me has changed inside, and I now feel God closer to me than He’s ever been before. I feel him physically hugging me and I know He’s there now. I used to question it, but now I know for sure.

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Monday, October 26th, 2009

I have a very loving husband and a hot boy friend in the same time. But I am not happy. i know i dont need them at all. i know i want something else more than i chasing for. very deep down. i cant see what it is but i know i am being called by it and push me to change to trade. For this very deep far away treasure just wait for me.

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Monday, October 26th, 2009

I live as though the world revolves around me, and me alone.

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Monday, October 26th, 2009

Hey, its me, the lonely guy.

I just wanted to say that my heart just about stopped this evening when the words that I wrote in such frustration wound up on the big screen tonight. It was absolutely captivated by what was being said tonight as it was, and when that happened, I was almost pushed over the edge of composure.

My heart did stop when out of the blue I got a call from the best friend I’ve been missing so much due to his marriage, and just spent the last couple hours hanging out with him.

Thanks for that little gesture there, God, it meant a lot to me. I’ll put a bit more faith in your intentions for me, and I’ll continue down my difficult path of abstinence. I’d appreciate a bit more priority on the girl, however

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Monday, October 26th, 2009

Who am I that when given the option to move forward, I go back to doing the same old thing and do everything except move forward?

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